Once I made the decision to quit drinking, then relapse, then made my final decision to quit drinking, the urge to drink hasn't really surfaced. Perhaps because since sobriety, when Friday night rolls around, I've still had my Friday night splurge, not with alcohol, but with food.
Now that I am starting a food plan, and becoming conscious of what I am eating, this Friday takes on a whole new spin. I want to eat. I want to indulge. Why? Because I deserve it.
When I was drinking, much of my weekend bingeing centered around the notion that I had so much work to do, so much anxiety, tension, (fill in the blank) that I deserved to get a little drunk. Or eat calorie indulgent food. Or spend money that we really didn't have.
But what I discovered tonight is that it is only with this superficial things that I will allow myself this self-indulgence. It's never with the things that I truly need and desire. Like praise. I never really feel like I deserve it. Or acceptance. Or friendship. Or love.
I've never felt worthy of all of the things I've longed for, yet, I've tricked myself into thinking that the other superficial things would help fill the void. I mean, it seems simple and silly and obvious, but tonight I finally get it.
This week I've been recording everything that I have eaten and my workouts. I'm just trying to notice patterns and feelings. My goal right now is to slow down when I eat, breathe, and eat healthy foods that I love. Next week I will focus on cutting calories.
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You know yourself best and you give yourself what you need.
ReplyDeleteI too had a very strugglerific week and weekend and ended up gaining 1 lb.
My bfff is also doing this with me and keeps reminding me that this is a journey, a lifetime journey. It took a lot of emotions and time to put this weight off and it's going to take pulling the layers of that back to take it off. Do it gently, don't rip it off like a band-aid.
It takes guts to make the changes that you are making - you should be very proud of yourself!
ReplyDeleteDo this: Make all your meals for the week and freeze them in those new 2 cup Ziplock screw-lip containers. It’s Jenny Craig style dining and it’s much cheaper, more nutritious and exactly what you want to eat.
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