Life as a Stable Person

Someone had asked me a while back in a comment on how I had reached a course of diagnosis with my doctor. Armed with information from the previous described book, and insights I had gained through a little research on my own, I met with my general practitioner.

Had this been back in LA, I would have immediately been referred to a shrink. But living in a small town, my doctor is the kind who still delivers all of the babies of her patients and when it comes to her practice, she manages to be a medical jack- of- all -trades. She has to, because there are a lot of people that don't have insurance and we don't have a lot of specialists in town. My initial course of action was to see a psychiatrist for diagnosis and medication suggestions, but there was a three month waiting list and and out-of-pocket cost of $300 - even with my insurance, which was a little too pricey for us right now.

So my GP and I had a little talk. We talked about all of my mental health history. She was concerned that I had failed on three different types of anti-depressants, which is a bit of a red flag. She also had patients with various degrees of bipolar, even one who thought she was the Queen of England and threw lavish tea parties. We agreed that I was not that far down on the mood spectrum scale. She told me that bipolar II often affects creative types of people. The creative cycles are a part of what is know as hypomania, not manic like in Bipolar I. She asked me if I had ever experienced that along with my current cycles of depression.  I said," Does working two jobs, taking an online class and writing a screenplay in 2 weeks, count?"

In our discussion, she and I both drew the conclusion that I was bipolar II. I knew that I needed medication. We were both in agreement that we would try to use the least amounts possible, with as little varieties as possible. I had read about some people experimenting with 4 or 5 meds to treat themselves and I didn't think that was necessary for me. We also agreed that if we couldn't find a solution between the two of us, I would bite the bullet, pay $300 and wait it out to see the shrink.

But the good news is, I feel so much better than where I was only 45 days ago. The mood stabilizer is working for me on a minimum dosage. I no longer am tense and on edge for no reason. The constant tightness in my shoulders has eased. I am still trying to find a happy medium for the obsessive soundtrack that plays in my head, but it's better than it was. I'm also trying to incorporate natural and holistic ways to ease stress like exercise, eating better and all those other things people say to do.

I think there is a fear that medication will dull and drug the senses. Or maybe that by taking medication it really does confirm that you're crazy. For me, it helps me to feel and react in ways that are appropriate to the situation. This weekend I was working overtime and on a deadline. I got stressed, but I got the job done.  The stress and feelings I felt were natural in that situation. What I didn't do was have a panic attack or shut down in overwhelm mode.

The medication is working for me. I'm still quirky, a little off beat with a dark sense of humor. I'm still creative, in fact I'm writing more. I'm grateful to have tools that can help me heal. I finally feel after all of these years, that I am on a journey to recovery. It's a new beginning and I'm ready.