Coming up on my 60 days, I am taking more and more active steps to progress my recovery. I have been steadfast in attending my Saturday morning meeting, but it's been hard to work in others. I attend women only meetings and there are not that many to choose from. I did go to one last Thursday night and although it wasn't as fantastic as my home meeting, I did get a lot out of it, especially when it seemed like my day had spiraled out of control. I know that to keep my sobriety, I have to work in at least another meeting a week.
But in all this, I feel guilty about the time I am taking away from my family for my recovery. Ironically, I took so much time away from them when I drank, but I don't think it's fair to make it an even switcheroo. Like, well I drank every other night, so I get to go to meetings every other night. The idea of my recovery is that now that I am sober, my family gets to have more of the healthy and happy me in their lives.
I haven't put myself as a priority for so long, I feel guilty whenever I take any time for myself. Even when given the time and I am free and clear to go do something I want -like go to a meeting or get a pedicure, I feel like there's a clock ticking, that I am under the gun to get home and take over responsibility of my daughter or whatever else that needs to be done. I don't know how to free myself of that feeling.
I have such a stacked schedule, I feel that the only way to get things done is to find a way to bend the time/space continuum. And that's not even talking about getting in my "me" time.
I miss working out so much. I am signing up again at the Y tomorrow. I need to find a balance for meetings, working out, my work load, meaningful daughter time, snuggly marriage time with my husband, cleaning and maintaining our house, taking care of my mom with a broken ankle, and taking time to spend time with my friends.
I worked all day yesterday to bring in some extra money for us and now I have the house to myself. My husband and daughter are visiting his mom in her nursing home. And the house is a mess and laundry is calling, but I am drawing a hot bath and going to go shopping.
I know I'm a little whiny today. I'm tired. I know there is a solution and I will find balance. This is my issue. It's about feeling that I am worthy and about letting go of my ego, thinking that my daughter needs me so desperately that she cannot survive time away from me. My husband, well- as long as he gets his snuggly time, he's happy.
Thanks for letting me share.
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I have been finding that I get REALLY agitated if I have time to myself because I start feeling worthless and guilty if I'm not actively doing something for others or bringing extra cash in. I really appreciate your sharing. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Sadie
That whole "clock ticking" and "under the gun" thing . . . i totally get that! It's a horrible feeling. I feel it everyime I leave the house, even when I am doing errands. I hate it!! Hang in there!!
ReplyDeleteI think that some "me" time is a priority. You mentioned that your family isn't seeing you because you replaced your "drinking" time with your "meeting" time. I think that's how it must feel, but I think there's something to be said about the quality of that time too. Granted, I don't know how you were when you were addicted, but I'm sure the non-addicted you is a much more present family member. I don't mean that in an offensive way...more in a "consider this point" type way. Also, while it may make you feel guilty to take time for yourself, you're going through a difficult process that requires that you take care of yourself and your needs so you can be a better, more well balanced, person for you, your husband, and your daughter. It may be a weird and difficult concept to learn, but I think your bath and shopping were great starts. :)Good luck!
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