One of my core issues happens to be my core. You know, the thing in the middle of your body that supposed to hold everything up and together? In spite of the fact that it seems that no one had ever heard of their core until about 10 years ago, it's now the almighty pearl in the quest for health. I have a big belly. Large. When I turn sideways, I have a shelf. I used to think it was all from the hooch.
When I quit drinking, I thought the pounds would melt off. Little did I know that in place of my beloved booze I would find distraction in a myriad of chocolate confections.
It's bad.
Some of my daughter's Easter candy never made it to her basket. I had to shove the wrappers deep into the trash can she wouldn't find the empty Reese's peanut butter eggs and realize the Easter Bunny is all a big lie. ( I think she suspects, but doesn't want to hurt our feelings)
But I'm at a point now where, like the alcohol, I'm so tired of the obsession. But unlike alcohol, I just can't stop eating food. Unless I became an oxygenarian. But even then, I think I would find a way to compulsively suck air.
The tricky thing is, I have to find a eating lifestyle that fits me. I can't look to someone else and do this diet or that. I do have an idea an what I need to do and what works for me. Refined carbs make my blood sugar spike and I go crazy, sugar makes my blood sugar spike and I go crazy. So, those things are off the list for the next now. I can't drink like most people and I can't eat like most people.
I've have found some women in my home group that share similar struggles, so I do have people I can work with. My eating and weight issues are the core of my addictions. My body issues have always eroded my self-esteem, even at times in my life when I was at a healthy weight or below. I've exercised obsessively, used crystal meth to control my weight ( and got addicted)
and became bulimic, all to try and achieve a perfect weight. I've since given up on that dream number. Now I'll settle for health and a lack of obsession.
That to me would be true recovery.
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First of all, mad props for the "cumpulsively suck air" bit. Priceless.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, you are such a strong person. Your sharing is to be admired and continues to inspire me to be better in many aspects of my life.
Thank you for being you.
Love, Sadie
I could have written this post myself....I wish I had some good advice to interject here....The only thing I have to offer is a book I read (and re-read) called "If you're going to eat at the refrigerator, pull up a chair". I've lost around 10 lbs (granted in over 8 months, but still) and try to look at this as a journey not a diet...because diets can suck it.
ReplyDeleteI've also thought about doing Overeaters Anonymous, but I'm not sure about that, for too many reasons to list here.
Good luck.
I feel your pain with the whole body image. I really try to stay positive and not talk about it too much in front of my daugther because I don't want her to EVER feel bad about her body. I don't have any good advice except this: once I stopped watching E!News and buying a bunch of fashion magazines, I didn't feel as bombarded with images that made me feel bad about myself. It wasn't like I said, "OK, no more unattainable body images for me!" I just stopped because of how our night time routine and budget were going. And then I noticed a change. It sounds silly when I write about it, but it did make a positive impact.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for the feedback! I also am very hypersensitive around body image with my daughter. I never speak negatively about my weight. I always say I'm trying to get healthier or stronger. I have looked into OA, but feel like it would be hard to add an additional sponsor to my plate right now. So far,today has been a good day.
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