Still Falling Apart

So the good news is...I'm still falling apart! At one point, I felt like everything was fine. Pretty darn good. This depression, the anxiety, it was all in my head. Perhaps just a small little mental phase.

Then today, back like a sledgehammer and I realize that this isn't just going to go away. Especially since I have been dealing with this my whole life.

My doctor's office called back today with my referral list, but the woman in the office gave me the numbers to two psychologists. I need to see a shrink - a MD who can prescribe medicine and knows how it affects the neurological pathways in my brain.

So I took matters into my own hands. I found a list of psychiatrists on my plan and called. Two of them work at the clinic that refused me because I'm not on public assistance. Then why are they on my insurance list? There was only one other doctor, so I left a message.

I called my insurance to see about my plan and what is covered. I'm covered for 70% of whatever they pay. But...I have a $250 deductible, until January, where it goes up to 350 dollars. Which, I don't have. My pay has been docked this year and we're making less than we ever have( but grateful to have a job.)

I think that at this point, I need to be my own physician. Find my own Lorenzo's Oil. For the first time in my life, I feel like I realize the severity of this problem and how it affects me, and especially my husband and my daughter. On the outside, everything seems fine - I look very successful. On paper. Inside, I feel like I have been patching holes in my soul and psyche, and they've finally all crumbled. All I can do is sweep away all the debris and start building me all over again.