Checking in with the Check up

I think my doctor really likes me. Once I get in her office, she chats away like she has no one else to see. I honestly think my story is that compelling.

So we talked about the Lamictal. So far, it seems to be working. I am no longer depressed and I seem to handle stress better. I'm not so high strung and stressed out anymore. I feel my emotions, rather than feel completely detached from them. And I'm not so easily sidetracked. Before the medication, I would get distracted by something, fritter my time away with it, then lose the main task at hand. That would cause more stress, more feelings of being overwhelmed and so on and so forth.

One little thing that medication isn't helping is my obsessive thought pattern. I've always had some sort of obsessive-compulsive behavior. In the past, it has manifested itself as an eating disorder in my 20's, anxiety thinking and panic attacks in my 30's and now, I just have a song that plays in my head...constantly. I mean 24/7.  And it's not the whole song. Just one line, repeated over and over and over and over and over again. Get the picture?

On paper, that makes me sound completely nuts. But I do think I am nutty in a creative and completely adorable way. At least now that I am smoothing out some of the rough edges.

So I am going to start taking 5 mg. of Lexapro for the ongoing soundtrack in my head. My doctor and I are on the same page as far as meds go. We both want to find the best solution for me with the least amount of medication. I may up the Lex to 10mg if it doesn't work for my internal DJ and cap off the Lamictal at 100mg.

I think as far as crazy people go, that is pretty minimal for medication. The good news is, I am writing more and feeling much more creatively inspired. And I don't think it's hypomania, but if it is, it's okay. I think that having bipolar II is a part of who I am, which means it is a part of my creativity. I don't want to deny it, pretend that it isn't there or medicate the hell out of myself. I just want to be able to live with it without it being destructive to my well being.