Early Meeting Success

I started off today with an AA meeting at 7:00AM. When I first tried to quit drinking in June, I thought that I would find a meeting that could be my 'home' meeting. With my busy schedule I wanted to find one meeting that I could call my own. My one stipulation as far as meetings go, is I prefer to go to women only meetings. I think it stems from my early OA days in LA when I was bulimic. I just feel safer sharing in a group of women than men.

Having had a past history with 12 step programs, ( I was a sponsor, mind you!) you would think I would embrace the AA way wholeheartedly. But I have a lot of judgment about AA people. I always have. I can be a very judgmental person. OK. All right. I prefer the term analytical, but lets call a spade a spade, shall we?

In my experience, it seems that some people in AA can be a little "cult-ish." When I went to this one meeting, I had a problem with someone bringing their child, who was friends with my child, to a closed meeting. I didn't feel safe sharing in that environment. I also felt that as a new member, rather than get to know me or my story, all anybody could say to me was - 30 meetings in 30 days...30 meetings in 30 days...I felt like I was in the Stepford Wives AA club.

I know that people were just trying to share their experience, strength and hope with me, but we all have our personalities, and if you're like me, more than one on a given day. It just didn't mesh. But instead of finding something that worked for me, I threw the baby out with the bath water. Which means of course, I've been struggling with my sobriety ever since.

But that doesn't mean that I haven't been on a path of recovery. My stalls and missteps are as much of this learning and growth process as are consistent days of sobriety. My faltering has led me to my bipolar diagnosis and a new and invigorated hope that I really can finally feel like my life is an honest representation of who I truly am.

There are a couple of great things about the meeting I attended today. They handed out a phone list, which made me feel like everyone was accessible. I talked with a great woman with years of sobriety, and she wasn't Stepford-ish at all. And the group goes out afterwards for breakfast. Which I couldn't do today, but I will commit to doing next week. Which is really big for me, because I've become an isolated loner in my little small town. I know I need to reach out to people and it's very scary for me.

Next on my plate this week, I have two bipolar meetings I am trying out. They are sponsored by the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. I'm hoping that there is recovery there. My fear is it's a bunch of mopey depressed people that lives suck. See how I am? No wonder I don't have any friends. I'm kidding. I'm a great friend. I just gotta get out there.

So I'll just take it one day at a time, knowing that this too shall pass, if I let go and let God because it works if you work it and I'm worth it.