Spreading the Word

Part of the recovery process for an alcoholic is to help the one still suffering from the disease. I feel the same way about my Bipolarity, (if that's even a word.)

I have had anxiety, obsessive compulsive thoughts, depression, panic attacks, eating disorders, you name it - my whole life.  Someone shared in a meeting that dealing with her addictions was like playing Whack -a-Mole. She would whack one, then another would pop up. That has been the story of my life. I would have some symptoms, say anxiety and panic attacks, then go to the doctor. He/she would prescribe something for anxiety, it would work to some extent, but not completely. Why? Because the anxiety and panic was part of a much bigger picture. So the medication would whack one mole, then another would pop up. And so it would go on and on. Depression would pop up, I would be prescribed something for that, it would work for a while but then not really, then I would go off of it, and more mental chaos would reign.

I was always looking at the symptoms and not realizing they were part of a larger disease. And the problem for me was, my doctors and therapists never even entertained the idea that this is what I was suffering from.  They too, looked at my symptoms and not a pattern that had been woven throughout my entire life. I never would have looked into the aspect of being Bipolar II, if it wasn't for someone close to me being diagnosed.

Then on top of that, there's a denial because, let's face it, being bipolar is just not cool. We don't accept it as a society. Depression, that's OK. Tell someone your OCD helped you clean the house this weekend, they'll laugh. Mention that the reason that you couldn't finish that book was because your ADD got in the way, they'll nod sympathetically. Tell someone you're Bipolar, they'll clear the room.

It scares us. It scared me when I went to the depression and bipolar meeting, because there were people deep in Bipolar I. People who's lives were crippled by the disease and who needed medication to lead productive lives. And although their symptoms may have been more acute and their medications more intense, we were all grappling with how to manage our lives with a mental illness.

People don't know that there is a mood spectrum, that some people fall on one end of the spectrum, some in the middle and some way over on the other end. I think many people grappling with alcohol and drug addiction may have this disorder and not know it. Their path of addiction has been a tireless and futile attempt to self-medicate a much larger disease. I know that path has been mine.

So I'm willing to be the Bipolar II poster girl and help spread the word. My medication is working for me and with a little fine tuning, I think I may have found what will work. I'm not a zombie like you see in the ever present Seroquel commercials. I'm writing more, feeling more, I'm more present. This is where I need to be to start my first steps in real recovery.